The first time I masturbated was one of the most special moments of my life. I was young, too young to have discovered the joy of rubbing your own genitals, but as soon as I tried it, I was hooked. I started with my panties on, using the edge of my bed, or a stuffed toy's nose, or a folded up pillow to rub until I couldn't rub anymore. Ask any girl how she first masturbated and she'll tell you a similar tale. One day you realize that rubbing yourself on cushioned objects feels really, really good. And when you discover this you tell your friends. And soon slumber parties turn into "ok now you try it" masturbation discovery parties. While I'm only 28, I still grew up without free access to the Internet and we didn't know that these pillow humping marathon sleepover parties were, well, highly inappropriate. We would just play and giggle and it all seemed very sweet. Eventually we all figured out that what we were doing wasn't exactly innocent and we stopped. And never mentioned it again. Ask your girlfriend, or wife. I'm sure she's had a similar slumber party experience.
Slumber parties aside, I became obsessed with touching myself. I would do it during school in the bathroom, I would do it when I came home from school, I would do it in the bathtub, I would do it anywhere and everywhere I could. I never told anyone about my private time once I realized it was meant to be private. And before I turned 18 I didn't have access to sex toy stores. Until I left for college my only toy was my incredible shower head which had the best pressure of any showerhead ever created and it could be used to tease and tickle or hit the exact spot you needed it to hit. Needless to say, I ran up a very large water bill in high school.
Then, when I left for college and turned 18 my world changed. My boyfriend at the time went to a different school and one day he sent me a gift: the first edition Rabbit vibrator. Remember those? It had a thick shaft, spinning beads inside the body, and little ears attached to a vibrating bullet. Even though it was hot pink I found it to be incredibly intimidating. Perhaps this is TMI but my gynecologist once told me "you have the vagina of a 12-year-old girl." Which means I can't exactly accommodate a lot of girth without a lot of effort. So instead of using the Rabbit as God intended it to be used I just held the buzzing ears up against my clit and let the magic happen.
I've never done heroin but I assume that having your first vibrator orgasm is a lot like doing heroin for the first time. You're constantly chasing the dragon. Since my first time buzzing myself to a state of bliss in my dorm room eight years ago I have been on a hunt for a toy that would get me off like it was my first time. I've had some great orgasms since my first time using a toy but nothing compared to that first, beautiful experience in my twin long size bed with jersey cotton sheets all those years ago. Nothing compared, until recently...
Like I said before, I've always been a bit wary of using any kind of toy that has to be inserted. I just never thought it was for me. But then I was gifted a beautiful toy, a realistic seven inch plastic-y piece of heaven and with my husband out of town for the weekend I decided to give it a try.
So I tried it. And tried it. And I tried it again. I tried it on my back. I tried it on my side. I tried it upside down. I tried it until I no longer had control of my limbs. I had come so many times that I seriously could not walk to the bathroom; I had to take a nap before I could move. It was the best sex I ever had. And it changed my masturbation game.
But, like all addicts, soon the dildo wasn't enough to get me over the edge. I needed more. I needed something else. It was like I was allllllllllmost there but not hitting a spot that needed to be hit. And then I realized what it was: for the last 20 years I had been missing out on one of the greatest gifts bestowed upon women-I had been missing out on touching my G-spot.
Now, the G-spot is a mysterious little spot inside a woman. It's an erogenous zone located inside the anterior wall of the vagina and when massaged causes strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation. These are all things I want! These are all things I need!
Like any true orgasm enthusiast I researched the best toys to achieve a G-spot orgasm and spent $200 on toys that users with names like "Hurtin4aSquirtin" reviewed as "a surefire way to make you squirt on your ceiling!" I WANT TO SQUIRT ON MY CEILING, I thought as I clicked the purchase button. I was so excited to squirt on my ceiling that I overnighted my new G-spot wand. But I didn't stop there. I then drove to two different sex shops and bought their highest rated G-spot toys. Within 24-hours I went from not really knowing or caring about my G-spot to wanting nothing more than to give it the same attention you would give a visiting foreign dignitary staying in your home. I wanted to wine it, dine it, make it comfortable, happy, and above all, burst out with joy and excitement. I wanted to make my ceiling wet.
I let the anticipation build and waited until 8 p.m. the following evening when UPS dropped off my new little friend. I ripped open the box, installed the batteries, turned on some Enya, lit some candles, put on some perfume and stripped off all my clothing. I was ready to squirt.
45 minutes later I was out of breath, sweating profusely, and my hand was cramped into a decerebrate posturing pose like a Pompeian mummy. Frustrated and now incapable of accessing my limbs full mobility I gave up. Ok, well, I didn't give up, I just got out my tried and true favorite vibrator and had a pretty nice orgasm. But I didn't understand why I wasn't able to squirt. I researched, I Googled things, I watched informative videos, but still, no grand finale.
For the next few weeks I was all consumed with having a G-spot orgasm. I tried different positions, ordered new toys, I had my husband help me until we had to stop to massage his hand from the Charlie horse that was paralyzing him. We went back to work and eventually gave up. It looked like it wasn't going to happen now, or possibly, ever.
But then I realized something. Even though I may not be capable of achieving G-spot orgasm, I had a lot of fun trying to reach it. I had an arsenal of new toys, and my husband was very interested in going spelunking to find my elusive spot. It dawned on me that even though I was frustrated because I wasn't squirting, I was having a really good time trying to make it happen. If your wife, girlfriend, partner, or neighbor is having a hard time reaching a G-spot orgasm, don't worry about it. It's not about reaching the top of the mountain; it's about the climb it takes to get there. Sure, you may not reach the summit but it's going to be one hell of a great story about how you almost got to the top.